Purdy’s Hedgehogs

Note: these make a nice gift for me. 

For my birthday, my Mom got me a box of Hedgehogs. They’re hazlenut chocolate inside chocolate that is shaped like a little caricature of a hedgehog, which is an animal. I should know, I used to have a pet hedgehog.

This all started because I used to read books about a wonderful place called Fern Hollow, which had nice little stories and pictures of mice wearing pants, and turtles wearing bowties, and everyone had cute english accents and had small problems. There was a family, the Willowbanks, who were hedgehogs. I couldn’t pronounce “Willowbank”, bless me, so I called their son, a bit of a scoundrel, Spike Bee-a-bank.

This led to a strange fascination with hedgehogs, and at some point I became enamored with having a pygmy hedgehog as a pet. This happened, thanks to some locals who were happy to sell me one of their brood. Almost… too happy… Yes, as it turns out, hedgehogs make terrible pets. They are spikey, jumpy, fast, rude, and poopy/pee-y. Also, they sleep all day, and  ram into the bars of their cage all night. That is the hedgehog way.

But when you turn a hedgehog into chocolate and shrink it down, an amazing thing happens. You can put them in a box and sell them. Then people buy them at the store, and give them to me for my birthday. And I enjoy them very slowly for the next few weeks.

CONCEPT: 4/5 – Buying me hedgehogs is nice, but I DON’T want this to turn into something that everyone does for every occasion! Not even as a joke, like “hey, let’s buy Justin chocolate because he said he didn’t want us to.” NO! Only buy it because you think it would make a good gift. That being said, I will never complain about having too many, so it’s really up to you.

INNOVATION: 2/5 – Now that I’ve taken all the surprise out of it… Speaking of surprises, they come in this triangular box that totally gives away the gift before you even open it. This marks the second time I’ve written about triangular chocolate.

SATISFACTION: 3/5 – Well, it’s hard not to be. Although I do like dark chocolate too.

EXECUTION: 3/5 – It’s hard to mess up, but you could accidentally buy a triangular box of hedgehog entrails, so we’ll have to wait and see how this pans out.

FUN FACTOR: 3/5 – They’re fun to eat. It’s like eating a small, delicious part of my disappointing childhood obsession.

OVERALL: 7/10 – They’re pretty tasty.

Taco Time vs. Taco Bell

Taco 2 Taco

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who over-generalize, and those who don’t. But, and, Also, there are two kinds of Taco joints in Canada (probably elsewhere too).

Taco Time: Notable for it’s claim of authentic Mexican food. The disposable place mats for the last few years have detailed the franchise creator, Ken, and his travels through Mexico feeding Mexicans his own brand of Taco. Which according to the place mats, they loved.

Taco Bell: Notable for it’s former mascot, a little annoying dog. Taco Bell doesn’t focus on authenticity, instead promoting the speed of service, and the lower cost of food.

QUALITY OF SIDE:

Taco Bell has the strange practice of using French-fries in the place of tortilla chips. Their fries supreme is shoestring fries smothered in bright orange liquid cheese, ground beef that looks like something unmentionable, and sour cream. The mixture is easy to scoop into one’s mouth with a fork, as it tends to clump.

Taco Time uses these little tater tot things as their side. Some people complain about them, and they are rather flavourless, but that’s because there’s little salt on them. Patrons are expected to dip them in the complementary hot sauce, a kind of thin salsa. The Mexi-Fries Supreme, or whatever it’s called in this case, has a similar cheese, and sour cream, but the ground beef is of higher quality, and I seem to remember little bits of tomato on top. Healthy!

WINNER: Taco Time

QUALITY OF ENTRE:

Taco Bell’s entres are the McDonalds hamburgers of the taco realm. Their burritos all use white flour tortillas, and are thinly packed with mushy meat or beans. The Tacos themselves are unremarkable, and come with a lot of lettuce. The other contents are hidden away inside beneath layers of bland iceberg. On taste alone, however, Taco Bell is promising. The things taste good. I can only assume (and after having a wet throaty coughing fit soon after finishing) that the taste is enhanced purely through the inclusion of salt and grease.

Taco Time’s entres try to strike closer to Mexican cooking, but I’m unaware how close they come. The tortillas are whole wheat, and the fillings are a more firm bean or ground beef. The tacos in question have more diverse filling, to rice, olives, and tomatoes. I also appreciate their sauces. They also do not lead me to such violent fits of coughing, but are still somewhat greasy.

WINNER: Taco Time

PRICE OF TACO:

Taco Bell’s prices are low. This is how the chain grew and became popular. I remember hearing a story about how the creator would purposefully open Taco Bell’s in lower rent neighborhoods as far away from McDonalds and other competitors as possible to maximize throughput. You can get two tacos and a fries supreme and drink at Taco Bell for about $7.

Taco Time is more expensive. Their combo meals will set you back about $7 without the fries supreme, and possibly only one taco.

WINNER: Taco Bell

GRAND CHAMPION: Taco Time with 2/3 categories!

Toblerone

Every time I sit down to write one of these things the word Toblerone runs through my head, so let’s get this overwith

Toblerone is a chocolate bar, commonly associated with Swish Chalet around Christmas time. I don’t think they do that anymore; now you get a couple little Lindt chocolates or something. Anyway, the bars are interesting because they’re triangular, you can stack them together and make an even larger Toblerone.

Also interesting, is that they taste like chocolate, and have these little pieces of nougat inside. When you’re done chewing up a piece, or at least letting melt in your mouth, there’s nougat to feel around in your mouth. I don’t think the nougat really tastes like much, especially after the stunning chocolate you’ve overloaded your taste buds with, but it’s got that texture to it and it’s nice to bite and get your teeth briefly stuck together.

Anyway, I didn’t want to write about a chocolate bar, but it wouldn’t leave my head, and now I don’t have to do it ever again. Sometimes you gotta do that, stop repressing bad ideas and just get them out so they’re done and you don’t have to do them ever again.

CONCEPT: 3/5 – Chocolate in a triangle with nougat. Sounds good! But it’s bad for you, because it tastes good. Not the calories, it’s the taste.

INNOVATION: 3/5 – I’m pretty sure it’s the only triangular chocolate bar. The little box makes it easy to save part for later, where with most chocolate you’re screwed once you open the package.

SATISFACTION: 5/5 – Tasty, with a good mouth feel!

EXECUTION: 2/5 – Can you find these when it’s not Christmas? I never even look. Why not try to make Toblerone the year-round chocolate, guys?

FUN FACTOR: 2/5 – Well, more satisfying than fun, but not un-fun.

OVERALL: 7/10 – Good work, the Swiss, you’ve done it again! Thank God this is over. Get out of my head!