Food Poisoning (confirmed)

The sweat of bad meats and dreams of fictional children’s movies: an illness in three acts

It might have been the pizza pockets, or the wasabi peas, or the apple, or the 5 beers, or the two shots of sambuca, or the eggs on english muffins, or the taco and mexican platter, or the microwave popcorn, or the rootbeer, or the sourdough with cheese whiz, or the doritos and banana (sorry Leah), or the johnny cakes, or the yucatan hash (was it the hash?), or the bagel with cream cheese, or the rest of the wasabi peas, or the second rootbeer,

BUT somewhere over the weekend I ingested something that wanted to reproduce rapidly in my gut. And it weren’t rabbits!

Did you know there’s no such thing as a 24 hour flu? If you have a flu that lasts for around 24 hours it’s a bacterial infection, not influenza. A bit of a misnomer.

Being rid-to-bed and constantly thirsty, I was out of commision for about 26 hours or so. Pretty much from the moment I arived home from Victoria until midnight the following day when I woke up and realized I’d sweat it out. Waking up and realizing you’ve sweat something out is a mixed blessing. On one hand it’s out, on the other it’s sweat. It nice to not be losing water our every possible orifice, however.

There was a small bonus to being ill, but if I were a less easily amused person I doubt I would count it as positive. I had some awesome hallucinations! I can’t remember them all, but true to form they involved great internal struggle that was completely fruitless. At one point 3 ideas (who knows what) were all trying to be processed at once inside my head, and all I knew is that I couldn’t let any one of them ‘win’.

Another point, more memorable because it was near the end, I watch three completely invented children’s animated movies (one hand drawn, the others computer animated). One was an epic, like Lord of the Rings, I think it was the hand drawn one, and it was my favourite. I was drawn in by the massive scope, the heartfelt characters, and the obviously large budget. After watching all three, I played a video game that Electronic Arts had produced on my favourite of the three. I remember looking at the map screen and thinking “Typical. They took the most impressive quality, the massive scope and expansive world and reduced it to a single screen with animated glowing houses for the towns, and little green goblins for nondescript bad guys.” To travel from point to point you just pressed a direction and your characters moved along a dotted line to the next town. So, I phoned Moss to complain about this feature, but then we got sidetracked talking about something else.

CONCEPT: 0/5 – Not… What? Who… Why does this exist? These microbes don’t make sense. If they succeed, the host dies, and so do they. If they do not succeed, the host wins, and they die.

INNOVATION: 1/5 – Good job at making me miss class, I haven’t been sick in a while.

SATISFACTION: 1/5 – I can’t justify missing out on a day and a half of my life, even if it was relaxing in a strange way.

EXECUTION: 2/5 – To my benefit, those little fuckers didn’t even keep me down for over 26 hours.

FUN FACTOR: 0/5 – Upset bummy.

OVERALL: 1/10 – Go to hell, gastro!

Video Games to Make You Cry

This news is so old.

Alright, so people seem to have the idea that having the ability to create a video game that will make people cry will further kasjdhfklashf the industry as an art form, or as something adults and everyone can take part in, and be part of peoples lives like movies or some such. You get the jist of it. If a game can make you cry (not through frustration) then double plus good for you. David Jaffe wants to make a game to make you “actually choked up — if not crying,” but he got caught up making a sequel, and now two sequels, to God of War so who knows when we’ll get his attempt.

I don’t want to come across as bitter all the time, I don’t think that making a game to cry to is a bad idea, and I don’t doubt that you may have sniffled a little when a certain character in a certain game by SquareSoft may have died. I have reservations about the direction that businesses seem to be taking. Neil Young of EA LA seems to see it as some sort of grail, and once we can find it all sorts of wonderful things will happen, namely people spending more on games. (by the way, that’s a very interesting article that says things in a lot more depth I’m willing to invest the time in right now)

Of course, because he works for EA he immediately jumps straight at the throat of review numbers, which you may have read have little to do with spending habits. That’s not what this is about however, and I understand that review scores may have a larger effect on sales than this one study shows, and Neil must be doing something right.

My main issue is that people, at least people in the public eye *where it matters* keep talking about games making you cry like it’s the point of the game. Hell, EA’s been saying this stuff for almost 20 years! Chris Crawford is moving in the right direction with interactive storytelling (still have to read that book), because like the article at Wonderland states, “Make the player a character actor!” So here’s the skinny on what’s going wrong, and I will even try to contribute something by suggesting what my limited experience can conjure as something to do right!

1. Despite continual admonishments that video games are in a “pre Citizen Kane era” and have yet to have a revolution, companies continue to push innovation in the way of new tricks and gimmicks because it’s safer. Who can blame them? This is about money, not art.
2. By announcing “my game will make you cry” you’re setting yourself up for failure, even if you succeed. People will inevitably call the product crass for your boasting, and it’s no longer art, it’s a product designed to make you cry. I doubt that Dancer In The Dark was created with the intent of making people cry. It’s a sad story, as people need sad stories at times. Storytellers understand this. Video game designers are not storytellers. Yet.
3. No one will let a storyteller design a video game (risk). They probably have no interest in it anyway, and if a famous storyteller was contracted to “create” a game, they would write a script and be mailed a cheque.
4. Not enough of the industry’s time is spent moving towards understanding video games. Innovation is left to the innovators. Nintendo is a good example. I read an article a while ago where Nintendo was compared to a merchant of innovation. They literally need to innovate to move their products, for which their chief selling point is novelty. EA can get by very well by selling the same Football, Soccer, and Racing game every year, but if Mario’s not miniaturized, mega sized, or in outer space, who wants to play that game? In the movie industry there was and still is an appetite for similar movies (check out how many westerns Roy Rogers made) but now the industry thrives on creativity. Well…… At least more than I can say games do.
5. Video games are not movies, they aren’t made the same way, they weren’t invented at the same time, and they can’t tell stories the same way. So why keep comparing them to movies? Why do they have to be so derivative? They’re not going to develop the same way the movie industry did, yet people keep holding out hope for a revolution in gaming.
6. Maybe we don’t need games to make us cry. Did anyone ask for this? Who wants to sit down and anticipate crying over a game? Games are about pattern recognition, problem solving, learning, novelty, visual and aural sensation, and, hopefully, contemplation provoking situations. A strange mix. When was the last time pattern recognition made you cry? I have great hope for video games because all movies can do is present a viewpoint and provide a mostly passive entertainment that’s only hope for survival rests on being stimulating, thought provoking, and emotionally charged, although in a realistic way that games are not yet capable of. Video games can do these things, but also allow the player to be the viewpoint. They are the director, although until now in an extremely limited, almost laughable, way.

What can be done?

1. Companies can start to realize that this may be the way to introduce games to a wider audience and begin to move towards storytelling and emotional involvement instead of updated roster.
2. Don’t try to make a game that makes people cry, make a game to tell a story. If you want to tell a sad story because that has meaning for you, others will find meaning in that.
3. Let a storyteller design a game. Let your grandma design a game. Stop letting young privileged white guys design games, they have nothing to say. Let Bjork design a video game.
4. Try something new in the way the story is told instead of adding more guns. Unless the guns tell the story, then by all means.
5. Stop crying about a revolution, or how video games aren’t like movies. We know that. Stop making them like movies, allow them to be games, even if that means doing something unfamiliar to the audience. Even if they hate it.
6. Don’t try to make people cry, try to make them interested.

I would love it if someone would call me an idiot and bring up some new points so that we can get the ball rolling on discussing this.

CONCEPT: 3/5 – A video game to make you cry is a terrible idea. A video game that makes you cry is a good idea. But is it necessary at all?

INNOVATION: 4/5 – Not too many games have accomplished, or tried to accomplish this.

SATISFACTION: 4/5 – There’s something powerful about being reduced to tears, and it ties the player to the game more strongly than any play mechanic. Unless you made a play mechanic that made people weep out of beauty. I’d pay to see that!

EXECUTION: 3/5 – Rarely tried for, so rarely executed. When done at all can be enrapturing.

FUN FACTOR: 3/5 – Is playing a game that makes you cry any fun? Yes and no, because at that level of involvement fun is no longer the driving force, but some people might call it fun. Most people would simply call it a ‘good game’.

OVERALL: 8/10 – Honestly, any progress on the matter is welcome, even to show what paths not to follow. Someone please, take the lead. Jaffe? I believe you had dibs?

Wet Socks

Your socks are wet in your shoes

When it snows, the snow eventually melts. When the snow melts, the roads get slushy, and that slush goes inside your shoe in the form of water. Because of the water, your socks get wet.

The worst is having it happen slowly. Maybe you think your foot is just cold. You’re wrong. Quickly, your brain will begin screaming OH NO, and your mouth might say this as well. Maybe it says “I fucked up.” Because now you’ve got a wet sock, and it’s going to drive you crazy all day. Even if you get somewhere quickly and manage to take off your shoes and socks they’re going to be all pruney anyway. It doesn’t matter how long your socks are wet for, your feet are going to be all clammy and wrinkled when you take them off.

Walking around with a wet sock is uncomfortable, and odd feeling. It’s very hard to just ignore. Especially embarrassing is if you got such a good soaker that you’re making little ’squelch squelch’ noises as you make your way around. Everyone who hears that is instantly reminded of the last time they had a wet sock, and they think ‘yuck’.

CONCEPT: 1/5 – Not a good idea!

INNOVATION: 2/5 – Dude, we crawled out of the muck a billion years ago and invented shoes for the specific reason of not having our flippers wet all the time. Don’t destroy a billion years of progress with one footstep. That’s like some serious A Sound of Thunder shit.

SATISFACTION: 1/5 -Nope.

EXECUTION: 3/5 – Gets me every time. I’ve gotten craftier over the years, but I still manage to do this at least once a year.

FUN FACTOR: 1/5 – OH NO.

OVERALL: 2/10 – If you want to feel disappointed in yourself (maybe you forgot what it’s like) go run the tub on cold for a minute and then dip your foot in there.

That Almost Full Bladder Feeling

Do you get up now, or can you wait 10 minutes?

Ah, I gotta make this quick. Sometimes, don’t you wish you could live like the idea philosopher? Not have to worry about when the next time you’re gonna have to eat is, always thirsty, or tired, or lonely, or dirty, or having an almost full bladder. That would be the life, uninterrupted by minor details of keeping these old wrecks lumbering around. Imaging converting your washroom into a computer room, or “party closet”.

So you’re in the middle of a movie. You really shouldn’t have drank that huge coke before the previews even finished. You’re not set to explode yet, but you feel a bit of pressure, and a vaguely uncomfortable sensation. Do you get up now? It’s kind of a slow part. What if it picks up? You CAN wait a few more minutes. It’s not that urgent. Plus what if you go too early, and you just have to go again in a little while? If you wait longer that’s longer until the next time you have to go as well!

This is the dilema faced by billions of people every day, and yet we have no word for it. Maybe in another language there’s something to describe it; it probably also means “waiting for a woman to return your love” so it gets used in comedies a lot as sort of a double meaning. There’s a lot of movie theater based jokes in there somewhere for a romantic comedy to exploit.

CONCEPT: 2/5 – Excruciating, not because of the actual need to urinate, but for the dilema it poses the participant.

INNOVATION: 2.5/5 – I don’t know what to say about this one.

SATISFACTION: 1/5 – Not much to be had, it’s pretty much anguish no matter how you deal with it. Even when it’s not limited to a movie theater.

EXECUTION: 3/5 – One of the great philosophical talking points of our time.

FUN FACTOR: 1/5 – Augh!

OVERALL: 2/10 – I gotta go. BRB.

Weekend Warzone #3 – Saxophone, Back Pain, Kites

Saxophone

The worst instrument ever, 22 years running, has been the Saxophone. No other instrument quite catches the idea of expressing oneself through a series of chalkboards and nails quite like the Saxophone. The only instrument not designed to be listened to, the Saxophone dominates the musical landscape as the only contender for the title of “poor ugly person’s instrument.”

Alright, it’s not unbiased. I just don’t like the Saxophone at all. It doesn’t harmonize well, it’s always trying to do something crazy. When the tune is going one way, the Saxophone goes the other, inserting extra twoots and blaats in between beats where they shouldn’t be, and generally making me sad. Solos are the worst.

CONCEPT: 1/5 -Who’s idea was this? At least it’s music.

INNOVATION: 1/5 – I don’t know what to judge, the effort to create a thing of beauty, or make babies teeth shrivel up in terror. Because the Saxophone only excels at one of them.

SATISFACTION: 0/5 – None can be derived.

EXECUTION: 3/5 – Well done Saxophone, you make everyone else look better, even a cat standing on a 11 key Casio.

FUN FACTOR: 0/5 – Should not surprise.

OVERALL: 2/10 – They’re shiny, and that’s about it.

Back Pain

There’s nothing quite as immobilizing as back pain. Mild back pain can remind you are alive, however. More often it serves to remind you just how close you are to the beyond. It also serves to let middle aged men on TV sell you pads and pills to get rid of the pain. Mostly it just sucks though

Here’s a few tips! Take it easy. Try to sleep on your back. Google “back pain.”

CONCEPT: 2/5 – While people hate it, your body never hurts for no reason. You did something stupid, don’t do it again.

INNOVATION: 1/5 – Pain is nothing new. Unless you’re a fish. They can’t feel pain, right? Or is that a lie vegetarians tell?

SATISFACTION: 3/5 – Does it’s job. You probably needed to lay down anyway.

EXECUTION: 3/5 – I’m not sure what this means in relation to back pain. How much it hurts? How it gets.. hurt?

FUN FACTOR: 0/5 – Can’t think of any.

OVERALL: 3/10 – Take it easy there, it’s no picnic but it’s not happening without reason.

Kites

You can fly them in the sky! All you need is wind. String. A kite. A tail for the kite. A small child to instill wonder in. And you’re set! I grew up in an area with lots of trees called Canada. Kites and trees don’t mix well, and neither do poor choices of afternoons to fly kites. As a result, I think I only had one or two actual good kite days as a child. I haven’t tried again since then.

Popular media seems to portray flying a kite as a very idyllic and peaceful pass time, especially for young boys wearing only overalls and chomping bits of straw, perhaps laying under a tree. I’ve never seen this happen before. Where did this image come from? Who is that boy who all the painting, card, book covers, and American dreams are based on? Well, he’s an old man now by any means, and probably has a job still because the pension checks aren’t enough to live on. He now works as the new American cliche joke dream, a Wal Mart greeter. How do you like kites now?

CONCEPT: 3/5 – An object that remains aloft using only energy from the environment. How novel!

INNOVATION: 4/5 – We have planes now, hotshot. But before planes all there was for sustained flight was kites.

SATISFACTION: 2/5 – They don’t really do anything, just sort of blow around. Hard to get up there too.

EXECUTION: 2/5 – Their success depends almost entirely on elements not of your control. Like a college student.

FUN FACTOR: 2/5 – There’s a brief period of time when they finally get off the ground where this rises to a 3, but eventually declines again. Like the kite itself.

OVERALL: 4/10 – Thanks kites, for being mostly frustrating.

Verdict – Winner: BACK PAIN! That’s right, this isn’t based on score at all! Back pain wins because it has a use, it lets you know when somethings wrong, and wont let you move until it’s better. Congratulations!

Wisdom Teeth

Their wretched existence and subsequent removal.

What sort of evolutionary joke are wisdom teeth? How did the monkeys who grew too many teeth manage to survive the longest in the far past? Perhaps their adult molars were more adept at falling out, thus making room for four new teeth that would appear in the back of their mouths and aid in chewing for several more years. Maybe it was some other trait that caused the monkeys to be more successful, like a really good price on a package deal to Thailand that also includes a shiatsu massage, but you don’t want a shiatsu massage, but you feel obligated when the little woman shows up at your hotel room and she doesn’t seem to understand when you say ‘No’ anyway, so you go along with it.

As of today, I have never been more glad I live in a modern world with magical things like automobiles, yogurt, and anesthetic. If I were born not 100 years ago, I would not have had the luxury of being able to ignore pain through chemicals, and the procedure may have gone in a very different direction. I imaging being clasped in irons, drawn over a wooden slab, head tied down with a smelly scrap of leather. The doctor picks up an implement normally used to shoe horses, and tells the only joke he knows: “Please try to relax, this may sting a little.” Then traitors’ hands clamp my jaw open, and I die within a week.

It wasn’t nearly this problematic, however. The dentist gave me about 3 syringes of something lovely, and then spent about 15 seconds on each tooth, wrenching away with his strong wrists, taking 5 minute breaks in between. I was awake through it all, and although I was nervous if I had it done again I wouldn’t be. There was a 2 hour period when I got home where I was in pain, but that went away fairly quickly. I took some pain killers, but quickly realized I didn’t need them. The only worrying thing was the bleeding which took about 6-8 hours to finally stop. I probably should have gotten sutures.

Anyway, enough of the gory details and on to the teeth. They are gross. After soaking in bleach and water for several hours, I cleaned them off. The bottom two are fairly nice. One was completely covered by gum still, so it’s flawless with two large roots pointing straight down. It’s brother is very similar, except that it was exposed, so there’s a very obvious cavity where brushing was hard. The top two are another story. The first is a tooth other teeth tell to their friends to scare them, like the legend of Hook Hand or whatever. It’s a monster with five (5) gnarled roots, each jutting diagonally in a different direction. It’s crown is ringed with pock marks and indentations, the enamel fallen away like moldy drywall. Placed upside down, the tooth looks more like some Lovecraftian horror. I am ashamed of this tooth in a way Quasimodo’s parents were ashamed of him. I plan to leave it on the steps of a church later tonight.

The last tooth is no better. A paltry four roots all pretending to be a comb over; they all bend in one direction. The crown is the worst though, almost half of it is completely missing. I’m not sure what happened here, but I know that it didn’t happen at the dentist. I did this to myself somehow, but the tooth was so far back in my mouth that I never noticed it’s disability. It offers a chilling view inside the life of a tooth. Underneath the enamel is some sort of chewy center, red and soft, but hardening and shrinking now.

I’ve heard horror stories of people having their teeth removed, and I was a bit surprise my experience didn’t stack up. My brother had his removed recently as well, but he was knocked out for it and doesn’t remember a thing. I, however, choose to experience life. Let not one moment be wasted!

CONCEPT: 0/5 – These teeth are a bad idea. I’ve never heard of them helping anyone.

INNOVATION: 1/5 – I guess back in the day they might have been seen as an improvement, but more isn’t always better, monkey cousins.

SATISFACTION: 1/5 – I am completely unsatisfied and even appalled at the state of my own wisdom teeth.

EXECUTION: 3/5 – They sure grew in. I sure took them out.

FUN FACTOR: 3/5 – I can now scare people and use my teeth as props in a movie. Or, check it out, get in a fight with someone, and secretly place one of the teeth in my mouth. When they hit me, I bite the side of my mouth to draw blood, and then spit the tooth into my hand. “You knocked out my molar!” I get out of the fight, and they get a story and an inflated ego.

OVERALL: 1/10 – I’m not making any excuses for you, wisdom teeth. You are bad.

Life in Review

Daily reviews of daily things. Articles, books, websites, smells, video games, food, sensations, concepts, conversations, drinks, activities, music, people, bits of earth, etc.

The idea is intriguing, and adds a feeling of usefulness to what would otherwise be a fairly straightforward journal. A formula will also be followed, including but not limited to:

Title – What the review is of.

What – More in depth blurb or explanation.

Body – Description and observations about the subject.

Pros/Cons – An optional component where the pros and cons of the subject are weighed.

Ratings – Rank the subject against other subjects. Subjects will be rated out of 5 in CONCEPT, INNOVATION, SATISFACTION, EXECUTION, and FUN FACTOR. There may also by an additional rating based on other observations of the subject as well as an OVERALL score which is out of 10, and is not an average of previous ratings.

There will also be swears.

CONCEPT: 3/5 – Interesting. Will be fun to watch play out.

INNOVATION: 2/5 – Blogs and Reviews are both nothing new, but at least an ounce of creativity is required which warrants a 2.

SATISFACTION: Remains-to-be-seen/5 – This will be updated in the future with an accurate score.

EXECUTION: 3/5 – The fact that I got off my ass and made a blog is pretty good. I’ll give myself a congratulatory ‘3′.

FUN FACTOR: 4/5 – If this ever gets below a ‘2′ I may have to discontinue writing.

OVERALL: 8/10 – Commitment and creative output are in conflict! Let’s watch!