Not Receiving Angry Mail About Not Updating

What’s up guys?

I haven’t updated in a while. Busy with stuff I guess. The thing is, if I committed to wasting time instead of pledging to do homework and then accomplishing only half of it, I would have tons of time to do other stuff like write.

No one sent me any hate mail though, and for that I am thankful? The question mark implies a mixed feeling. I am happy that no one bothered me about having too much work for school to do, midterms, maths, and numerous meetings with 3 separate groups. But this also means that no one actually cares weather or not I’m writing anything. To that I say, tough nuts! I’m gonna keep writing, being self referential, not doing research, and talking about nothing in particular!

Case in point, it’s time for this to be over.

CONCEPT: 4/5 – People not sending me angry emails is a great idea.

INNOVATION: 4/5 – Actually, sending me angry emails would be fairly innovative, as it doesn’t really happen very much.

SATISFACTION: 3/5 – I’m satisfied, but also un, because an email may have prompted me to get going again.

EXECUTION: 5/5 – Awesome, flawless even!

FUN FACTOR: ?/5 – I don’t understand what this means.

OVERALL: 5/10 – A mixed blessing. Don’t try to be funny and send me an email all being like “where you been??! I read a website!”

A Movie We Made for School

Alright let’s get this out of the way

In the interest of people knowing what “I’m up to” here’s a short film I made for a class at SFU Surrey.

There’s a few things I’m not happy with, but then there’s some bits that I like. I really think the first 2 minutes is the most cohesive. I don’t want to add any narcissism to this or belittle any other of my group members input (we all worked really hard, and we couldn’t have made this otherwise), but the first two minutes I’ll say are more me than any other part of the movie. I wrote the shot list, dialogue, and then shot and edited the first two minutes, so if you’re looking for the best example of my work that’s where to look around in. Oh, except one cut that Andrew pointed out to me, which is where I’m laying on the floor and it sort of dwells on the shot for a period of time. I would have made that a little more succinct.

A few things I’m not all that happy with, including the whole thing (you just get so sick of your idea after 5 weeks, you know?) are the ending, which is pretty silly and overdone, and a few of the other scenes where it’s not clear exactly what happens. Fun Fact!: It’s a shoe that hits my face in the one scene.

At the showing people laughed in the right places, and even said “Ooh…” when I fell on the stairs. I think I blew part of our mark when the prof asked “So, did you end up using any of the techniques you learned from your study of a director?” and I said “Not consciously.” But we did Ang Lee. Our movie didn’t have any sweeping mountain ranges with flying swordsmen, bamboo thickets, gay cowboys, or Hulks. I don’t usually think of Ang Lee movies in terms of cinematography, it sort of fades into the background behind compelling plots and the beauty of the landscape he chooses to shoot in.

We, on the other hand, had Burnaby.

CONCEPT: 4/5 – The idea was sort of noble, rather than do something overly violent or depressing (as most student films seem to turn out) we tried to do something with a more light hearted message. Probably because the two example movies we were shown have to do with strangling women.

INNOVATION: 3/5 – Not a whole lot new here. Imagination shown in black and while, blinking eye to transition, repetition, deus ex machina, the works. We forgot to include the scene that explained that Jamie was looking for me because I didn’t come to her party. I wonder if that came through at all.

SATISFACTION: 2/5 – Although it was one of the better films, I think with more time and more retakes, paying more attention to lighting, and framing shots more interestingly, we could have made a better movie.

EXECUTION: 3/5 – Total editing time was around 30 hours for everyone combined, which was partly because everyone was learning to use the program. We almost lost the entire thing twice, and had other technical issues. Turned out alright though.

FUN FACTOR: 2/5 – At the beginning of the project, 4, at the end 0. So an average of 2 will suffice.
OVERALL: 5/10 – If this were a grade, I would give us 75%, but since this is a 10 point scale where 50% isn’t a fail, I’m giving us a 5 overall. Some good element, but ultimately too much work for too little payoff. The next one will be better, if we ever do one.

Food Poisoning (confirmed)

The sweat of bad meats and dreams of fictional children’s movies: an illness in three acts

It might have been the pizza pockets, or the wasabi peas, or the apple, or the 5 beers, or the two shots of sambuca, or the eggs on english muffins, or the taco and mexican platter, or the microwave popcorn, or the rootbeer, or the sourdough with cheese whiz, or the doritos and banana (sorry Leah), or the johnny cakes, or the yucatan hash (was it the hash?), or the bagel with cream cheese, or the rest of the wasabi peas, or the second rootbeer,

BUT somewhere over the weekend I ingested something that wanted to reproduce rapidly in my gut. And it weren’t rabbits!

Did you know there’s no such thing as a 24 hour flu? If you have a flu that lasts for around 24 hours it’s a bacterial infection, not influenza. A bit of a misnomer.

Being rid-to-bed and constantly thirsty, I was out of commision for about 26 hours or so. Pretty much from the moment I arived home from Victoria until midnight the following day when I woke up and realized I’d sweat it out. Waking up and realizing you’ve sweat something out is a mixed blessing. On one hand it’s out, on the other it’s sweat. It nice to not be losing water our every possible orifice, however.

There was a small bonus to being ill, but if I were a less easily amused person I doubt I would count it as positive. I had some awesome hallucinations! I can’t remember them all, but true to form they involved great internal struggle that was completely fruitless. At one point 3 ideas (who knows what) were all trying to be processed at once inside my head, and all I knew is that I couldn’t let any one of them ‘win’.

Another point, more memorable because it was near the end, I watch three completely invented children’s animated movies (one hand drawn, the others computer animated). One was an epic, like Lord of the Rings, I think it was the hand drawn one, and it was my favourite. I was drawn in by the massive scope, the heartfelt characters, and the obviously large budget. After watching all three, I played a video game that Electronic Arts had produced on my favourite of the three. I remember looking at the map screen and thinking “Typical. They took the most impressive quality, the massive scope and expansive world and reduced it to a single screen with animated glowing houses for the towns, and little green goblins for nondescript bad guys.” To travel from point to point you just pressed a direction and your characters moved along a dotted line to the next town. So, I phoned Moss to complain about this feature, but then we got sidetracked talking about something else.

CONCEPT: 0/5 – Not… What? Who… Why does this exist? These microbes don’t make sense. If they succeed, the host dies, and so do they. If they do not succeed, the host wins, and they die.

INNOVATION: 1/5 – Good job at making me miss class, I haven’t been sick in a while.

SATISFACTION: 1/5 – I can’t justify missing out on a day and a half of my life, even if it was relaxing in a strange way.

EXECUTION: 2/5 – To my benefit, those little fuckers didn’t even keep me down for over 26 hours.

FUN FACTOR: 0/5 – Upset bummy.

OVERALL: 1/10 – Go to hell, gastro!

EB Games ‘pre-orders’

Sarcasm?

Does this make sense to any of you? You go into an EB Games location, looking for a specific game. The staff there tells you that it’s not out yet, but it’s due to be very rare (you know this is true) and that if you want to secure your ownership you should pre-order the game. Pre-ordering allows you to put down a maximum of the games entire price or a minimum of $5. Naturally, you pay $5 because what sort of a sucker would give away money that could be earning interest in your bank account to a corporation for the promise of a product “when it ships”?

You wait however long, occasionally this can be up to a year, but usually only several months (hah), and one day you get a phone call from your friends at EB.

“Hi, this is EB Games, I’m calling to let you know that your pre-order for Game X is in stock, and can be picked up anytime during normal business hours. I must also remind you that if you do not pick up the game within 48 hours of this phone call, the game will be sold on the shelf with the other games. We will, however, transfer your credit to any other purchase in the store.”

I can’t begin to describe the ways this in no way constitutes a preorder. How does waiting for a game for months turn into a 48 hour window of opportunity to claim your prize? Why does having the initiative to create a demand for a product go punished? You’ve already outlined for us that the game is going to be nearly impossible to find, which is why we’ve pre-ordered it, and now you’re going to just sell it to anyone? Fie on you, EB Games, fie and fie.

Between waiting upwards of 20 minutes with just two people ahead in line, trying to upsell everything in the store, and having staff disappear for lengths of time, or simply duck behind the counter and pretend to be busy it’s a wonder anyone goes to EB.

If they weren’t the only place offering pre-orders, I’d never go there.

CONCEPT: 4/5 – The concept is noble enough, I give you money down, and you promise to give me what I want when it’s available so I don’t have to search for it like the fucking Master Sword.

INNOVATION: 3/5 – Their strategy of apparently trying as hard as they can to infuriate customers is a new one for me.

SATISFACTION: 2/5 – I’m only giving this a 2 and not lower because I’ve always managed to make it to the EB in time. I can’t imagine what I’d do if I was out of town.

EXECUTION: 0/5 – Poor! This is consumer service? I’ve had hobos treat me with more respect. I’ve had more enjoyable circumstances climbing over barbed wire fences!

FUN FACTOR: 1/5 – Good strategy; make me dread buying what you sell. If grocery stores treated me like this I’d starve.

OVERALL: 1/10 – One more reason not to play video games: EB Games.

Weekend Warzone #6 – Putting Things Off to Increase Their Enjoyment, Lazy Sundays, Regret at Having Written About Bladders

Putting Things Off to Increase Their Enjoyment

I frequently find that I put off things that I don’t want to do, I’m getting better at doing them quickly though. Although now I’m developing the disturbing trait of putting things off to create a greater enjoyment of them  when I finally cave in. This includes:

• Eating a candy
• Watching a movie
• Playing a video game
• Drinking a beer
• Finishing anything in a series that I enjoy

Although the last one might be due to a feeling of sadness that comes with the finality of the end of a series of experiences that I’ve enjoyed, like Firefly, or Arrested Development, or Tom Strong (Tom Strong’s not over, I just don’t like reading the last comic in the Trade Paperbacks I buy every so often).

I think It may come with age, a greater willpower, a feeling of needing to get something more important done (laundry frequently interrupts movie watching) but I wish it didn’t feel so much like losing part of my childhood so frequently. Gone are the days when I could play video games until I passed out, and then wake up, eat some cereal, and continue playing. Candy’s bad for you, so I put it off until I feel a little sluggish. Movies are long and take up a lot of time, so I put them off until I have no other distractions, because it feels guilty. Drinking beer is a reward for a hard week instead of a hard day of work.

I do find that I am able to derive more satisfaction from these simple pleasures than I would have normally simply because I know I waited longer. The candy isn’t physically sweeter, but the experience has aged in my mind with the anticipation.

CONCEPT: 3/5 – In concept it’s fairly innocuous, as long as it’s not taken to the extreme of being compulsive.

INNOVATION: 2/5 – As with most things, it’s not something Cheese hasn’t done before.

SATISFACTION: 4/5 – Ranks fairly high, but there’s always the niggling “I could have held out longer.”

EXECUTION: 4/5 – Alright, although sometimes I give in too early and then feel a bit ashamed that I couldn’t wait another 10 minutes to eat those Rockets.

FUN FACTOR: 2/5 – Arguably, putting things off that you enjoy isn’t fun, but it’s the invested potential fun that pulls you along.

OVERALL: 6/10 – Less becoming a choice, and more becoming a necessity of the business of life.

Lazy Sundays

Getting up late, having a shower, not combing your hair, putting on that shirt you only wear around the house, not even wearing socks all day, life is pretty sweet. Maybe have breakfast at around 2:00, or whenever you start feeling hungry. Then, have some tea, and sit down to something you’ve been putting off all week, like a book. You might accomplish something, like housecleaning, but probably not. Just take some time to relax.

CONCEPT: 4/5 – Yeah, it’s nice.

INNOVATION: 3/5 -  When was the last time you had some time just to yourself to reflect on things?

SATISFACTION: 4/5 – Don’t think of it as wasting time, think of it as an investment in personal mental health.

EXECUTION: 3/5 – If you get anything bigger than the bathroom cleaned, you’re doing it wrong.

FUN FACTOR: 3/5 – Believe it or not, you can have fun by yourself. Sing a song, or dance around and eat toast.

OVERALL: 8/10 – A good way to spend a seventh of the week.

Regret at Having Written About Bladders

Well, this is just perfect. Ever since I wrote that Almost Full Bladder Feeling post, at least one person a day has come to the site using the search term “full bladder feeling.” I’m also damning myself further, because in writing another post about it I’m probably moving myself up higher on the Google priority list for websites dealing in bladder issues.

Here’s a message to all the people coming here in search of answers: you won’t find any here, and you probably have a bladder infection; I’m sorry.

I didn’t want this to happen, I didn’t foresee the consequences of my actions, and I will be more careful in the future. Come back next week for my article on Sex Breasts: Lindsay Licks Britney’s Nude Pictures, and, Burning Sensation When I Pee.

Goddamn internet.

CONCEPT: 3/5 – The concept itself was a noble one, I merely wanted to outline the  biological struggles we face daily.

INNOVATION: 3/5 – Not sure if anyone’s written on that subject before, but it appears to be an issue many struggle with.

SATISFACTION: 2/5 – This wasn’t how it was meant to be!

EXECUTION: 3/5 – I guess the fact that people were tricked into thinking I had any sort of real information meant that I did an alright job.

FUN FACTOR: 3/5 – It’s kinda funny.

OVERALL: 4/10 – I’m not happy with this turn of events, but I will take it in stride.

Verdict – LAZY SUNDAYS! Congratulations! You are superior to procrastinating with things you actually want to do, and regret at having written about urinary tracts! I hope you wear that mantle proudly, Lazy Sundays. I hope to meet you many more times in the future.

Strange Computer Issues

Not sure how it happened, but it can’t be fixed by mortal hands

Maybe you’ve turned on your computer, and all the desktop icons are reset. Now this happens every time you use the computer. Welcome to the wacky world of computer problems. Things that don’t really break your computer, but minor inconveniences that hinder your enjoyment. Worse are the sort that start seemingly for no reason when they used to work perfectly. Some of the ones I’ve experienced include:

• Being informed, twice, on every bootup, that Windows cannot ‘find the installer for volume’.
• Speakers that make a high pitched whine whenever the hard drive is read unless they’re playing any sound file. Even a silent sound file.
• Windows tries to install exactly 2 updates every time the computer is shut down. They never complete, and the computer shuts down after about 2 minutes.
• DVDs don’t always read the first time they’re put in the DVD drive.
• New versions of video card driver do not allow the user to actually open the video settings controll panel, and cannot be uninstalled completely.
• Hard drives suddenly become several megabytes smaller than they used to be with no explaination.
• Post your own crappy problems that don’t make any sense that no one seems to be able to fix!

These sort of problems are the thing that make my mom and dad stop using computers. Don’t we live in an age where computers should be beyond the point of being ‘touchy’ and needing to be coaxed with some useless ritual to work properly? “It usually works best if I put a pot on to boil before I use the internet; the pages load faster, and the computer doesn’t beep as much.”

CONCEPT: 2/5 – If I wanted a box that I didn’t know the state of the contents of, I’d just get a much cheaper box and a cat.

INNOVATION: 1/5 – Mistakes have been made since time began, and people still don’t know how some of them happen.

SATISFACTION: 1/5 – One of the least satisfying parts of computing.

EXECUTION: 4/5 – They always manage to do it, no matter how new the software, or how powerful the hardware.

FUN FACTOR: 1/5 – When parents yell my name because the computer-box is acting up, it sends chills up my spine. When it’s not their fault, it’s even more frustrating.

OVERALL: 2/10 – We should be beyond the point where consumer products can easily be so corrupted to the point where they don’t function, or need to be jerry rigged.

That Almost Full Bladder Feeling

Do you get up now, or can you wait 10 minutes?

Ah, I gotta make this quick. Sometimes, don’t you wish you could live like the idea philosopher? Not have to worry about when the next time you’re gonna have to eat is, always thirsty, or tired, or lonely, or dirty, or having an almost full bladder. That would be the life, uninterrupted by minor details of keeping these old wrecks lumbering around. Imaging converting your washroom into a computer room, or “party closet”.

So you’re in the middle of a movie. You really shouldn’t have drank that huge coke before the previews even finished. You’re not set to explode yet, but you feel a bit of pressure, and a vaguely uncomfortable sensation. Do you get up now? It’s kind of a slow part. What if it picks up? You CAN wait a few more minutes. It’s not that urgent. Plus what if you go too early, and you just have to go again in a little while? If you wait longer that’s longer until the next time you have to go as well!

This is the dilema faced by billions of people every day, and yet we have no word for it. Maybe in another language there’s something to describe it; it probably also means “waiting for a woman to return your love” so it gets used in comedies a lot as sort of a double meaning. There’s a lot of movie theater based jokes in there somewhere for a romantic comedy to exploit.

CONCEPT: 2/5 – Excruciating, not because of the actual need to urinate, but for the dilema it poses the participant.

INNOVATION: 2.5/5 – I don’t know what to say about this one.

SATISFACTION: 1/5 – Not much to be had, it’s pretty much anguish no matter how you deal with it. Even when it’s not limited to a movie theater.

EXECUTION: 3/5 – One of the great philosophical talking points of our time.

FUN FACTOR: 1/5 – Augh!

OVERALL: 2/10 – I gotta go. BRB.