Purdy’s Hedgehogs

Note: these make a nice gift for me. 

For my birthday, my Mom got me a box of Hedgehogs. They’re hazlenut chocolate inside chocolate that is shaped like a little caricature of a hedgehog, which is an animal. I should know, I used to have a pet hedgehog.

This all started because I used to read books about a wonderful place called Fern Hollow, which had nice little stories and pictures of mice wearing pants, and turtles wearing bowties, and everyone had cute english accents and had small problems. There was a family, the Willowbanks, who were hedgehogs. I couldn’t pronounce “Willowbank”, bless me, so I called their son, a bit of a scoundrel, Spike Bee-a-bank.

This led to a strange fascination with hedgehogs, and at some point I became enamored with having a pygmy hedgehog as a pet. This happened, thanks to some locals who were happy to sell me one of their brood. Almost… too happy… Yes, as it turns out, hedgehogs make terrible pets. They are spikey, jumpy, fast, rude, and poopy/pee-y. Also, they sleep all day, and  ram into the bars of their cage all night. That is the hedgehog way.

But when you turn a hedgehog into chocolate and shrink it down, an amazing thing happens. You can put them in a box and sell them. Then people buy them at the store, and give them to me for my birthday. And I enjoy them very slowly for the next few weeks.

CONCEPT: 4/5 – Buying me hedgehogs is nice, but I DON’T want this to turn into something that everyone does for every occasion! Not even as a joke, like “hey, let’s buy Justin chocolate because he said he didn’t want us to.” NO! Only buy it because you think it would make a good gift. That being said, I will never complain about having too many, so it’s really up to you.

INNOVATION: 2/5 – Now that I’ve taken all the surprise out of it… Speaking of surprises, they come in this triangular box that totally gives away the gift before you even open it. This marks the second time I’ve written about triangular chocolate.

SATISFACTION: 3/5 – Well, it’s hard not to be. Although I do like dark chocolate too.

EXECUTION: 3/5 – It’s hard to mess up, but you could accidentally buy a triangular box of hedgehog entrails, so we’ll have to wait and see how this pans out.

FUN FACTOR: 3/5 – They’re fun to eat. It’s like eating a small, delicious part of my disappointing childhood obsession.

OVERALL: 7/10 – They’re pretty tasty.

Food Poisoning (confirmed)

The sweat of bad meats and dreams of fictional children’s movies: an illness in three acts

It might have been the pizza pockets, or the wasabi peas, or the apple, or the 5 beers, or the two shots of sambuca, or the eggs on english muffins, or the taco and mexican platter, or the microwave popcorn, or the rootbeer, or the sourdough with cheese whiz, or the doritos and banana (sorry Leah), or the johnny cakes, or the yucatan hash (was it the hash?), or the bagel with cream cheese, or the rest of the wasabi peas, or the second rootbeer,

BUT somewhere over the weekend I ingested something that wanted to reproduce rapidly in my gut. And it weren’t rabbits!

Did you know there’s no such thing as a 24 hour flu? If you have a flu that lasts for around 24 hours it’s a bacterial infection, not influenza. A bit of a misnomer.

Being rid-to-bed and constantly thirsty, I was out of commision for about 26 hours or so. Pretty much from the moment I arived home from Victoria until midnight the following day when I woke up and realized I’d sweat it out. Waking up and realizing you’ve sweat something out is a mixed blessing. On one hand it’s out, on the other it’s sweat. It nice to not be losing water our every possible orifice, however.

There was a small bonus to being ill, but if I were a less easily amused person I doubt I would count it as positive. I had some awesome hallucinations! I can’t remember them all, but true to form they involved great internal struggle that was completely fruitless. At one point 3 ideas (who knows what) were all trying to be processed at once inside my head, and all I knew is that I couldn’t let any one of them ‘win’.

Another point, more memorable because it was near the end, I watch three completely invented children’s animated movies (one hand drawn, the others computer animated). One was an epic, like Lord of the Rings, I think it was the hand drawn one, and it was my favourite. I was drawn in by the massive scope, the heartfelt characters, and the obviously large budget. After watching all three, I played a video game that Electronic Arts had produced on my favourite of the three. I remember looking at the map screen and thinking “Typical. They took the most impressive quality, the massive scope and expansive world and reduced it to a single screen with animated glowing houses for the towns, and little green goblins for nondescript bad guys.” To travel from point to point you just pressed a direction and your characters moved along a dotted line to the next town. So, I phoned Moss to complain about this feature, but then we got sidetracked talking about something else.

CONCEPT: 0/5 – Not… What? Who… Why does this exist? These microbes don’t make sense. If they succeed, the host dies, and so do they. If they do not succeed, the host wins, and they die.

INNOVATION: 1/5 – Good job at making me miss class, I haven’t been sick in a while.

SATISFACTION: 1/5 – I can’t justify missing out on a day and a half of my life, even if it was relaxing in a strange way.

EXECUTION: 2/5 – To my benefit, those little fuckers didn’t even keep me down for over 26 hours.

FUN FACTOR: 0/5 – Upset bummy.

OVERALL: 1/10 – Go to hell, gastro!

Taco Time vs. Taco Bell

Taco 2 Taco

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who over-generalize, and those who don’t. But, and, Also, there are two kinds of Taco joints in Canada (probably elsewhere too).

Taco Time: Notable for it’s claim of authentic Mexican food. The disposable place mats for the last few years have detailed the franchise creator, Ken, and his travels through Mexico feeding Mexicans his own brand of Taco. Which according to the place mats, they loved.

Taco Bell: Notable for it’s former mascot, a little annoying dog. Taco Bell doesn’t focus on authenticity, instead promoting the speed of service, and the lower cost of food.

QUALITY OF SIDE:

Taco Bell has the strange practice of using French-fries in the place of tortilla chips. Their fries supreme is shoestring fries smothered in bright orange liquid cheese, ground beef that looks like something unmentionable, and sour cream. The mixture is easy to scoop into one’s mouth with a fork, as it tends to clump.

Taco Time uses these little tater tot things as their side. Some people complain about them, and they are rather flavourless, but that’s because there’s little salt on them. Patrons are expected to dip them in the complementary hot sauce, a kind of thin salsa. The Mexi-Fries Supreme, or whatever it’s called in this case, has a similar cheese, and sour cream, but the ground beef is of higher quality, and I seem to remember little bits of tomato on top. Healthy!

WINNER: Taco Time

QUALITY OF ENTRE:

Taco Bell’s entres are the McDonalds hamburgers of the taco realm. Their burritos all use white flour tortillas, and are thinly packed with mushy meat or beans. The Tacos themselves are unremarkable, and come with a lot of lettuce. The other contents are hidden away inside beneath layers of bland iceberg. On taste alone, however, Taco Bell is promising. The things taste good. I can only assume (and after having a wet throaty coughing fit soon after finishing) that the taste is enhanced purely through the inclusion of salt and grease.

Taco Time’s entres try to strike closer to Mexican cooking, but I’m unaware how close they come. The tortillas are whole wheat, and the fillings are a more firm bean or ground beef. The tacos in question have more diverse filling, to rice, olives, and tomatoes. I also appreciate their sauces. They also do not lead me to such violent fits of coughing, but are still somewhat greasy.

WINNER: Taco Time

PRICE OF TACO:

Taco Bell’s prices are low. This is how the chain grew and became popular. I remember hearing a story about how the creator would purposefully open Taco Bell’s in lower rent neighborhoods as far away from McDonalds and other competitors as possible to maximize throughput. You can get two tacos and a fries supreme and drink at Taco Bell for about $7.

Taco Time is more expensive. Their combo meals will set you back about $7 without the fries supreme, and possibly only one taco.

WINNER: Taco Bell

GRAND CHAMPION: Taco Time with 2/3 categories!

Toblerone

Every time I sit down to write one of these things the word Toblerone runs through my head, so let’s get this overwith

Toblerone is a chocolate bar, commonly associated with Swish Chalet around Christmas time. I don’t think they do that anymore; now you get a couple little Lindt chocolates or something. Anyway, the bars are interesting because they’re triangular, you can stack them together and make an even larger Toblerone.

Also interesting, is that they taste like chocolate, and have these little pieces of nougat inside. When you’re done chewing up a piece, or at least letting melt in your mouth, there’s nougat to feel around in your mouth. I don’t think the nougat really tastes like much, especially after the stunning chocolate you’ve overloaded your taste buds with, but it’s got that texture to it and it’s nice to bite and get your teeth briefly stuck together.

Anyway, I didn’t want to write about a chocolate bar, but it wouldn’t leave my head, and now I don’t have to do it ever again. Sometimes you gotta do that, stop repressing bad ideas and just get them out so they’re done and you don’t have to do them ever again.

CONCEPT: 3/5 – Chocolate in a triangle with nougat. Sounds good! But it’s bad for you, because it tastes good. Not the calories, it’s the taste.

INNOVATION: 3/5 – I’m pretty sure it’s the only triangular chocolate bar. The little box makes it easy to save part for later, where with most chocolate you’re screwed once you open the package.

SATISFACTION: 5/5 – Tasty, with a good mouth feel!

EXECUTION: 2/5 – Can you find these when it’s not Christmas? I never even look. Why not try to make Toblerone the year-round chocolate, guys?

FUN FACTOR: 2/5 – Well, more satisfying than fun, but not un-fun.

OVERALL: 7/10 – Good work, the Swiss, you’ve done it again! Thank God this is over. Get out of my head!

Eating Popcorn like a Slob at the Theater

In which you go to a theater, and eat like you forgot how

I enjoy movies, and I enjoy popcorn. One fairly simple way to derive more pleasure out of an eight dollar bag of popcorn at the movies is to eat it with reckless abandon. My thought is that the cost of the popcorn is high in order to subsidize services that the theater doesn’t make enough money to support otherwise, such as cleaning up the popcorn people spill all over the place. So the framework is there, you just have to start taking advantage of it.

The simplest way to accomplish this is to take a large handful of popcorn, and lay into it like an apple. Continue to bite inwards until your lips touch the palm of your hand. By this point your mouth should be full of popcorn, which tastes good, and your slouched physique should be littered with the bits you couldn’t quite get your teeth around.

Another common practice is the grab-and-toss, in which participants get a smaller handful of popcorn and open their mouths wide, attempting to toss the popcorn inside. Some people use a very small amount of corn, curl their fingers carefully around it, slowly releasing one kernel at a time from the top of their fist which they bring all the way to their mouthes. This is known as cheating. The proper form is a completely open palm held perfectly horizontally in front of the body, popcorn sitting on the palm. The hand is then quickly brought entirely vertical in a sweeping motion as far from the mouth as possible. The popcorn must be completely airborne before entering the mouth.

This exercise can be extremely liberating. It’s rare one gets a chance to practice such free form eating in a safe environment, at least in adult life. Give it a try the next time you’re at the theater! If you don’t find popcorn in your shoes, pockets, hair, and loved one’s hair, you need more practice!

CONCEPT: 4/5 – Popcorn, movies, experimentation; heady days my friend!

INNOVATION: 4/5 – Feel free to try your own custom moves. Think of your body and the floor as a canvas, and the popcorn is the paint! The edible paint.

SATISFACTION: 4/5 – Doesn’t get much sweeter! Also feels a little like revenge for having to pay around $20 for the whole deal.

EXECUTION: 2/5 – A lot of people still don’t get it after many hours in many movies. All their popcorn goes in their mouths, which they chew closed, silently engrossed in the film. No form.

FUN FACTOR: 4/5 – A+++++ WOULD DO BUSINESS AGAIN!

OVERALL: 8/10 – Times were had!

Weekend War Zone #2 – Red Beard, Listening to Roommates Play a Star Wars RPG, Tea

Red Beard

Another movie by Akira Kurosawa, but one that I watched earlier today. The story opens in 17-18th century Japan with a young doctor, a top student, visiting the practice of another doctor Red Beard (nicknamed so because his beard is a reddish colour). He learns that one of his higher ups has pulled some strings to get him an internship under Red Beard, and absolutely refuses to take part. He was previously slated to be the personal doctor of the magistrate. Red Beard’s clinic is in a very poor district, outsiders frequently remark that they would be better off dead. Red Beard is stubborn and headstrong. The young doctor is extremely disappointed that he will not be the doctor of the magistrate.

Through treating destitute patients and hearing their life stories, the young doctor learns that even people who cannot afford medical treatment are not unworthy of love, and their capacity for sharing what little they have continually astonishes him. He learns there are much more to the seemingly pathetic and incapable patients, and forms strong bonds with the staff of the clinic, his patients, and eventually Red Beard himself. By the end of the story he is offered a position as the magistrates’ doctor and refuses, enraging Red Beard. But he has his way, and continues his work at the clinic.

CONCEPT: 4/5 – I never feel qualified to comment on art obviously much higher than my current station, but I really liked the idea of feudal Japanese doctors.

INNOVATION: 4/5 – It’s ER, but 50 years ago. Although I think comparing Red Beard to ER is something close to blasphemy.

SATISFACTION: 5/5 -It was very satisfying. The highs and lows of human emotion shown in startling beauty. (is that from the box?)

EXECUTION: 5/5 – Highest quality acting, photography, script and direction.

FUN FACTOR: 1/5 – This movies isn’t that fun. It’s over 3 hours long, and most of the themes are very serious. There’s about 2 jokes, but they break such tension and provide such a contrast to the poverty displayed that I found them to be funnier than all the jokes in most comedies. That said, the movie isn’t about fun, it’s about the slow earning of happiness.

OVERALL: 8/10 – Very good cinema.

Listening to Roommates Play a Star Wars RPG

“Come get some, Wookie Boy!” “Now we’re talking!” “He slices into you with a vibro-blade.” “Aw.” Yes, this is the majesty of a Sunday night. Dudes, dice, and droids. I can’t really make fun of them though. I know exactly what they’re talking about when they say “Cortosis Armour” or “Gonk Droid,” even chiming in “Rodians” when someone asks, “What race is Greedo?” Yes, I am a nerd also.

So far on their adventure, a team of a Wookie and two humans, all of which don’t speak at least one of the other’s language, have managed to run two smash-and-grab jobs for the Hutts, and are currently in a bar fight. Jay shouts “You just eviscerated a guy from his belly to his neck! Of course his buddy is pissed!” Frequent first person dialogue is heard: “I close the door.” “What? Why? I open the door and open fire!” “I close the door.” As well as second person narration: “You’re stunned. You fall on his vibro-axe.” “You fail to hack the door. It shuts.” “You trip on the table, your vibro-axe skitters across the floor and stops at the far wall.”

CONCEPT: 3/5 – Friends playing a creative game together! It’s all good fun!

INNOVATION: 4/5 – Not as creative as making their own role playing system, but still requires a good amount of imagination.

SATISFACTION: 4/5 – They seem to like it.

EXECUTION: 4/5 – As opposed to when me and my friends used to play all those years ago, they actually get things done and play at a fairly good pace. But they’ve been playing since 5, and it’s 11 now.

FUN FACTOR: 5/5 – They’re having a lot of fun. If anyone’s “not in the room” they are allowed to play Tetris DS. It’s pretty effective to get them to not pay attention to what’s happening outside their perception, and keeps them entertained.

OVERALL: 7/10 – Better than World of Warcraft!

Tea

Tea is a drink people make out of dried leaves (or in some cases other parts of a plant) which are put in a receptacle, and then have hot water poured on them. This makes the water taste a little like the leaves, and discolours the water.

I like tea, I used to drink it a lot. Probably around 2 cups a day or more. When I got pneumonia last year, any diuretics I drank for several months afterwards would dry out my lungs and make them hurt a lot, so I have to give up tea. I’m sort of getting back into it now, but I enjoy life off caffeine. It’s nice to not need something to help me function.

Tea is delicious, and I like it with milk and sugar. If I was forced to choose a favourite, I’d say probably Earl Grey, but if you’re getting fancy my actual favourite tea so far is a combination of Ms. Grey from Murchie’s tea company and a Mocha Roibos that Rob has. I don’t remember the brand, and I haven’t been able to make my blend since I stopped living with Rob and Jordie.

CONCEPT: 4/5 – A hot drink to calm you while also making you more alert. Very comforting on cold rainy days.

INNOVATION: 3/5 – I’m not sure who discovered tea, but I’m glad they did. There’s so many types and tastes, you could never try them all.

SATISFACTION: 5/5 – Mmmmmm!

EXECUTION: 3/5 – Easy to mess up, but even if it’s not made exactly how I like it’s still pretty good.

FUN FACTOR: 3/5 – Tea can be fun, or facilitate fun between friends.

OVERALL: 8/10 – Great! One of my favourite drinks.

Verdict – Winner: TEA! I shouldn’t have to explain this one. Once again, Kurosawa loses out to a greater cause. Tea has influenced politics, economies, and even civilizations. Sorry, Kurosawa! Better luck next time.

Beans on Toast

You put baked beans on your toast. It’s a ‘European’ thing.

Finally something I know what I’m talking about.

Recipe: Heat up a can of baked beans in a pot. They can be pork, tomato, or maple if you’re feeling sassy. Put two sliced of bread in the toaster. Butter the toast when it pops up (this cannot be skipped, just trust me). Place the toast side by side on a plate, and place (dump) the beans on there. If the beans overflow the toast don’t panic, that’s alright. Now eat with a fork, knife, and smile.

My Dad used to make this for us when I was growing up. He probably still does. I used to think it was weird, or my Dad was lazy or something, but it’s not, and he’s not. The truth is, beans on toast is an excellent source of Things, and tastes really fine. If you think this is boring food, or you need to mix it up, try something silly like rye bread with lard and tomato sauce beans, or sourdough with maple beans. Italian(?) and Canadian style!

Earlier I mentioned that this is a European dish. I’m not sure of that, really. All I know is my Dad’s vaguely British, and he was brought up in Canada by his British parents. So, it’s either Canadian or British, or an invention. No matter what, it’s tasty, and easy to make. Have it with a glass of milk!

CONCEPT: 3/5 – Pretty good! Some people may think it’s odd, but don’t listen to them. They probably don’t like french fries in their hamburger.

INNOVATION: 2.5/5 – I have absolutely no idea. I think it’s novel, but I’ll give it a 50% to be safe.

SATISFACTION: 5/5 – Yes, please!

EXECUTION: 4/5 – Depends. Did you but butter or margarine on the toast? If you did, and I assume you did, you get a 4. If not, you only get a 2. If I need to explain why, just try it both ways and see.

FUN FACTOR: 3/5 – About as fun as food can get, which I guess is a 3. Trying to get the little cut-out piece of toast in your mouth with beans still on it can be a fun skill to learn.

OVERALL: 10/10 – Flawless! Eat kinda fast, or the toast gets less than crunchy. This isn’t a bad thing though, just a different texture. Eat the rest of the beans after when you run out of toast.