Today’s Hairdresser

Chatty woman from east Africa

I went to get my hair cut. I went to the same place I go when I need groceries, to go to the dentist, see a doctor, or buy a video game: Brentwood Town Center (Mall).

The hairdresser didn’t seem to hear me when I asked “can I get in for a cut this afternoon?” She looked vacantly past my shoulder, and then turned around to talk to a man behind her, who was busy cutting hair. She turned slowly back around, and said “I can take you.” We walked to the sinks so she could wash my hair (twice) that I had not one hour before, washed (twice). She was a short, middle aged woman with dark skin, and an accent I mistook for East Indian.

“Did you have a good New Years? I like to dance,” she answered. “R&B, Salsa, Dance, top 40, and anything Indian!” she laughed. Her daughter is going to UBC next year, and her other daughter wants to go to UVic for Law when she finishes highschool. The UVic daughter works at the Metrotown SilverCity, got a job without an interview because she’s so confident. “I think that makes things easier, being confident, and able to talk. When you do not talk to others easily, you keep things inside, you have a hard time doing even simple things.”  Hey, I thought this was her life story, not mine.

She’s got family in Switzerland, and a handful of other places, and she’s visited them all.”It’s important to travel. I’ve only been in Canada four years. I came to Calgary, Toronto, New York, but I decided I wanted to live in Vancouver.”

“We’ll make you handsome, Joshua,” she assures me. I over tip because I don’t have correct change.

CONCEPT: 3/5 – I’m disappointed when hairdressers aren’t chatty. It’s like a plumber who’s not overweight.

INNOVATION: 4/5 – She went into some areas I’ve never heard someone go into so freely. “I divorce my husband recently. He did not work, you know. They say; idle mind is a jealous mind?”

SATISFACTION: 3/5 – Not a bad cut. Not super great, or anything, and she combed it weird right before I left.

EXECUTION: 3/5 – Efficient and personable. “I make lots of friends.”

FUN FACTOR: 3/5 – Because I’m pretty tall, it’s hard to hang my head in those little sinks. My neck started to hurt. But other than that, probably the funnest part of my day. Well, except reading Pug Therapy, which Ally gave me for Christmas.

OVERALL: 7/10 – A little more than I’m used to paying for a haircut, and I don’t feel that the quality was such to warrant the extra cost, but considering I get my hair cut like 2-3 times a year, I guess I can’t complain. Priya was a nice hairdresser.

Emo Photos

How to show your true self with a digital camera, step by step

If you’ve ever wanted a picture that captures how you really feel inside, something that may be too complicated for words and needs to be seen, here’s how to take your own emo photos. I learned this from a friend today; previously I was not able to express myself in this way.

1. Get a digital camera.
2. Find a setting that’s not too cliche, but still ‘indie’.
3. Take a picture from above your head, at a 45 degree angle from the front of your nose. (a friend can make this easier)
4. Look into the camera and take the picture.

Extra points for: Asymetrical hair, the amount of the colour black in the photo, how high up you can look without moving your head.

Things to watch out for: Don’t take the picture in a mirror. If necessary, use the mirror to look in the viewfinder and take the picture that way. Seriously, this isn’t a joke people. How hard is this to figure out.

Examples:

WRONG.

Almost there… Not looking into the camera, and the angle is wrong. Also, you’re in a washroom. Are those your parent’s towels?

Done! Note the look of yearning to be free, and the Goonies poster.

CONCEPT: 2/5 – You can’t express your feelings with images! That makes no sense! Better stick to your blogging.

INNOVATION: 1/5 – myspace.com

SATISFACTION: 3/5 – It’s not really that bad of an angle to take a picture at, especially if you’re tall. It’ll let people see what the top of your head looks like (they are wondering).

EXECUTION: 4/5 – Stick to these simple rules and you’ll do fine.

FUN FACTOR: 4/5 – Can be pretty fun. Get a bunch of friends together and spend the evening taking mopey pictures of each other and laughing.

OVERALL: 3/10 – If you’re under 15 or over 25, this is inappropriate behaviour. Actually, no one is exempt.

Running Through the Rain to the Ferry

Wind storm also

An entirely different experience than taking the ferry is running through the rain to the ferry. This may happen because you’re at a friend’s house before Christmas, and he lives in Campbell River, and you live on Quadra, and you were Christmas shopping and decided to go to his place for drinks and to listen to music. Or maybe for some other reason, I’m not a soothsayer.

So it comes to be 9:30, and if you don’t leave soon you’re not going to be able to catch the 10:30 home, so of course you procrastinate for at least 20 minutes because you’ve been drinking Scotch and Rye and listening to Tyler Fedchuk mixes and going over the year in music. You eventually decide to leave so that it’s easier to get things done tomorrow, even though it’s raining pretty hard out, and there’s a terrible wind storm going on and you’re not even sure if the ferry’s running anyway. On the way out you leave the present you bought Mom in your friend’s entryway.

And you’re doing it. You’re jogging to the ferry in the rain in a wind storm. Thank God it’s mostly down hill, and the Scotch has made you feel warm and unable to tell when you should stop jogging. So you get there in record time, about 10 minutes, and you have to sit and wait for the ferry for another 10 minutes in the cold wet waiting area. But at least the ferry is running, and your brother picks you up at the other side and drives you home. Good thing he got his license! Maybe he can pick you up tomorrow from the pub as well…

CONCEPT: 1/5 – Having to run through the wind and rain in a big jacket aren’t high on anyone’s list of things to do before they die.

INNOVATION: 1/5 – It’s common knowledge that running increases speed.

SATISFACTION: 2/5 – Getting there on time is nice, but being too early just makes you think of all the time you could have spent still listening to a mash up.

EXECUTION: 4/5 – Well, you made it with time to spare at least.

FUN FACTOR: 1/5 – Suck factor: 4/5

OVERALL: 4/10 – Not all that bad, really.

Commenting On Posts

Try it, you’ll like it

Since I’ve never done it myself, I’m not sure the procedure. I assume it’s fairly easy, but I think commenting on a post requires clicking on the COMMENT thingy above each one.

Go on, it’s okay. I like hearing what people think. If you ever left a comment and were sad because I didn’t reply, please don’t be. I haven’t replied to any of the comments left on the site. What do you think, would it be better if I did? I think follow ups may make this seem like a more legitimate enterprise. Would you be more interested in commenting if there were FABULOUS PRIZES involved?

Leaving comments is cool, and lets me see who’s reading the site. It also gives me valuable counter information to my normal ranting, which I enjoy. I’ve decided to embrace critiscism whenever possible, because if you can’t take it you shouldn’t dish it out. So correct grammar, point out flaws in arguments, and generally get all up/grill etc.

CONCEPT: 4/5 – Leaving a comment is a cool way to let people know you’re cool!

INNOVATION: 4/5 – There’s still time, you can be one of the first.

SATISFACTION: 4/5 – The only thing more satisfying is passing a law you penned. When was the last time you did that?

EXECUTION: YOU/5 – This, gentle reader, I leave to your discretion.

FUN FACTOR: 3/5 – Reading’s more fun than contributing.

OVERALL: 7/10 – Aw, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Making Mii of Canadian Newscasters (now with pictures)

Now Peter Mansbridge and Gloria Macarenko can box!

There’s been a new Nintendo out a little while now, you might have heard. One of the chief features is being able to make these little charicatures of yourself or other people and have them actually appear in the games you play, either as the player’s character, or people in the background. These little guys are Mii. One can be seen here and you can make your own on a flash based mock up here (although the one on the Wii is much better).

I was bored last night, and having seen people make Mario, Luigi, Hitler, Ghandi, Bush, the cast of The Big Lebowski (Lebowskii?), I was at a loss as to how to capture something original, and at the same time something more personal. Something reminded me that I grew up in a household with only one channel, the CBC. The rest is history.

I set to work creating Peter Mansbridge, Wendy Mesley, Rex Murphy, Gloria Macarenko, and Tony Parsons of Global. I stopped only because it was around 1:00AM at this point. I can’t wait to boot up Wii Sports and have a tennis match between Parsons and Mansbridge.

Who else should I make? George Stroumboulopoulos? Ian Hanomansing? Ken Finkleman? Why can’t I think of any women? What other newsworthy Canadians am I forgetting to fill the stands of my boxing ring with?

CONCEPT: 5/5 – For me this has been the most entertaining use of the Mii creator yet.

INNOVATION: 4/5 – I may have the world’s first Rex Murphy Mii. Unless someone at the CBC has a Wii.

SATISFACTION: 3/5 – Mansbridge’s look of reserved yet mildly hopeful despair was hard to capture. Also the jowls.

EXECUTION: 4/5 – Tony Parsons looks amazing, however.

FUN FACTOR: 5/5 – I feel like I’ve found a piece of the Canadian Identity. Thanks Nintendo.

OVERALL: 9/10 -I promise I’ll post some pictures when I am able to somehow capture their likenesses. (Sorry about the picture quality, taking pictures of a TV is a bad idea in most cases)

Weekend Warzone #7 – Quitting, Registering For Classes, Christmas Shopping

Quitting

Working at the same place for a long time can become more of a routine than a path to a goal, especially early in life. The point where you forget what you were saving up for when you got the job is probably when you should have quit, but at that point it’s too late. You just sort of keep plugging away until you get completely fed up, because the job wasn’t the thing you wanted to do in the first place, it was a means to an end.

But eventually, you pull up your socks, nervously approach your manager, and hand them a letter, mumbling “I’m leaving in two weeks”. Or you stand up at your desk/work bench/ditch and shout “I QUIT” and spit on your manager’s face as flocks of bikini clad women fly down from the sky and being handing out packages of free beer and money. Well, that’s sort of what EI is like, I’ve heard, but you can’t get that if you quit. But that doesn’t matter, because you’re on to a new stage of your life, a brand NEW shitty job!

CONCEPT: 4/5 – Quitting a job you dislike or have grown to dislike is probably for the best.

INNOVATION: 3/5 – Hey, it’s better than staying at the same job for decades because you’ve been there so long that the pension is the only thing keeping you going.

SATISFACTION: 3/5 – That first week of freedom is like no other. Then the rent comes around, and you can’t find another place because of your skill set.

EXECUTION: 3/5 – Burning bridges can be fun, but potentially dangerous. But then there’s like 7 billion bridges in the world, so burn away.

FUN FACTOR: 5/5 – Work is inherently the antithesis of fun, so quitting un-fun is pure fun?

OVERALL: 7/10 – May you find happiness in future gainful employ.

Registering For Classes

I continue to be of the opinion that this is significantly more work than the actual school work itself.

CONCEPT: 4/5 – In concept it’s a simple task. Use the internet to tell the school which class you want to take. Much better than the old method, which was to write your name in a book outside the class door. When the book was full, the teacher began the class. Students began making increasingly elaborate signatures that spanned multiple pages to ensure the most one-on-one time with the prof, and the system was heavily abused.

INNOVATION: 3/5 – Again, fairly novel compared to the old ways.

SATISFACTION: 2/5 – The feeling of “I wonder if it went through correctly” will never go away until the first time your teacher calls your name in class, so it leaves something to be desired, clearly.

EXECUTION: 2/5 – Like the school websites, the entire process seems to be designed by a large cumbersome robot who’s favourite foods are redundancy and unintuitiveness.

FUN FACTOR: 1/5 – If a website were ever designed to make someone cry, they would base their design on this process but make it easier to use.

OVERALL: 3/10 – Poopy. But functioning.

Christmas Shopping

Some people absolutely loathe Christmas Shopping, but some people love it. How can this be? Well, the world is divided into two distinct kinds of people, men and women. Men hate shopping, and Women need it to live. It is this constant struggle that creates most of the plot devices of the great works. Ulysses. Romeo and Juliet. Cathy.

I don’t mind the shopping so much as all the other people also shopping at the same time. It’s also not the noise, the lines, searching for the perfect gift, or tired feet. Well, maybe it’s a few of those things. But what I find the most irritating about the whole meal deal is skirting. Skirting around people. People who are standing in the middle of an aisle, walking slowly around, meandering, dawdling, gawking, etc. People who don’t understand the gravity of the situation. It’s alright if someone is trying to get at an item to purchase and they happen to cut me off. I’m fine with another shopper bumping into me while making their way to the counter. Please, please don’t stand in one place and force me to do a little sideways dance move to get past you. I’m not here to hang out and look at the decorations, although they are nice, I’m here to power my way through shopping so I can get back to sitting at home.

CONCEPT: 3/5 – Christmas Shopping is a necessary thing every year. No matter how many times Mom says “next year we’re donating all our Christmas money to Africa.”

INNOVATION: 2/5 – This has been going on for as long as I can remember, but I’m sure there was a time when people actually made their gifts for each other.

SATISFACTION: 4/5 – Getting it all done can be extremely satisfying.

EXECUTION: 2/5 – Never really goes as smoothly as it should. Just be glad you’re not that 45 year old woman looking for “that Wheee system” or a “Nano iPod”. Her kids are gonna be a little disappointed.

FUN FACTOR: 1/5 – I’ve never thought of holiday shopping as fun, but more of a task like walking the dog. Only the dog needs to be walked one day a year through a mall filled with thousands of people. Two if you can’t find what the dog’s looking for.

OVERALL: 5/10 – Hey, I like getting presents as much as the people I’m giving them to, but I wish I could avoid playing dodgems in cramped retailers for hours on end.

Verdict – Christmas Shopping! Hey! What? Well, as much as I like cutting off the only source of income I have, and tearing out my hair over school, Christmas Shopping is a walk in the park compared to the continual stress these other two gems provide. My hat is off to you, shopping. May your arteries always be clogged, your lines long, and your customers irate. Or pirates.

Growing a Beard

Let’s get started.

Growing a beard is one of the defining moments in a man’s life, although I’d imagine it would be even more of a defining moment in a woman’s life. This isn’t to say that a beard makes one more of a man; it does not. A beard just makes you a certain type of man, and for all my research (none) I can only conclude that that type is: Lazy.

Yes, a beard is one of the only things you can accomplish and obtain through gross inaction. Our society, obsessed with the nubile, hairless, bald, huge black eyed, bulbous nosed, and pulpy amorphous bodied super models, is taught to fear hair and scream at it. I’m not here to debate if this is right or not. Because there’s no debate, it’s wrong.

A beard has only three purposes:

1. To relieve the chill of the winter wind.
2. To be used as portable bonzai for those prone to misplacing bonzai.
3. Altering the appearance if shamed.

A beard grown for vanity will spite it’s grower, just as a beard grown for profit will prove to be the greatest source of lost income for the grower. Note that this includes beards someone has forced to grow on other people for these purposes.

CONCEPT: 3/5 – Ranks slightly above Not Washing the Bathroom Cup, which is a pretty good idea.

INNOVATION: 1/5 – Have you even seen a monkey?

SATISFACTION: 2/5 – Itchiness beleaguers even the most stalwart.

EXECUTION: 3/5 – Depends heavily on the style and the owner’s facial form. Growing a Tuscan Winter is fairly simple, but the Sunday Morning Bookend can be a task.

FUN FACTOR: 2/5 – This is also heavily dependent on how much time the owner is saving by not taking 5 minutes to shave every morning, and instead playing slots.

OVERALL: 6/10 – Beards can be a tricky sort of thing, but keep not shaving, you’ll get there eventually.