Their wretched existence and subsequent removal.
What sort of evolutionary joke are wisdom teeth? How did the monkeys who grew too many teeth manage to survive the longest in the far past? Perhaps their adult molars were more adept at falling out, thus making room for four new teeth that would appear in the back of their mouths and aid in chewing for several more years. Maybe it was some other trait that caused the monkeys to be more successful, like a really good price on a package deal to Thailand that also includes a shiatsu massage, but you don’t want a shiatsu massage, but you feel obligated when the little woman shows up at your hotel room and she doesn’t seem to understand when you say ‘No’ anyway, so you go along with it.
As of today, I have never been more glad I live in a modern world with magical things like automobiles, yogurt, and anesthetic. If I were born not 100 years ago, I would not have had the luxury of being able to ignore pain through chemicals, and the procedure may have gone in a very different direction. I imaging being clasped in irons, drawn over a wooden slab, head tied down with a smelly scrap of leather. The doctor picks up an implement normally used to shoe horses, and tells the only joke he knows: “Please try to relax, this may sting a little.” Then traitors’ hands clamp my jaw open, and I die within a week.
It wasn’t nearly this problematic, however. The dentist gave me about 3 syringes of something lovely, and then spent about 15 seconds on each tooth, wrenching away with his strong wrists, taking 5 minute breaks in between. I was awake through it all, and although I was nervous if I had it done again I wouldn’t be. There was a 2 hour period when I got home where I was in pain, but that went away fairly quickly. I took some pain killers, but quickly realized I didn’t need them. The only worrying thing was the bleeding which took about 6-8 hours to finally stop. I probably should have gotten sutures.
Anyway, enough of the gory details and on to the teeth. They are gross. After soaking in bleach and water for several hours, I cleaned them off. The bottom two are fairly nice. One was completely covered by gum still, so it’s flawless with two large roots pointing straight down. It’s brother is very similar, except that it was exposed, so there’s a very obvious cavity where brushing was hard. The top two are another story. The first is a tooth other teeth tell to their friends to scare them, like the legend of Hook Hand or whatever. It’s a monster with five (5) gnarled roots, each jutting diagonally in a different direction. It’s crown is ringed with pock marks and indentations, the enamel fallen away like moldy drywall. Placed upside down, the tooth looks more like some Lovecraftian horror. I am ashamed of this tooth in a way Quasimodo’s parents were ashamed of him. I plan to leave it on the steps of a church later tonight.
The last tooth is no better. A paltry four roots all pretending to be a comb over; they all bend in one direction. The crown is the worst though, almost half of it is completely missing. I’m not sure what happened here, but I know that it didn’t happen at the dentist. I did this to myself somehow, but the tooth was so far back in my mouth that I never noticed it’s disability. It offers a chilling view inside the life of a tooth. Underneath the enamel is some sort of chewy center, red and soft, but hardening and shrinking now.
I’ve heard horror stories of people having their teeth removed, and I was a bit surprise my experience didn’t stack up. My brother had his removed recently as well, but he was knocked out for it and doesn’t remember a thing. I, however, choose to experience life. Let not one moment be wasted!
CONCEPT: 0/5 – These teeth are a bad idea. I’ve never heard of them helping anyone.
INNOVATION: 1/5 – I guess back in the day they might have been seen as an improvement, but more isn’t always better, monkey cousins.
SATISFACTION: 1/5 – I am completely unsatisfied and even appalled at the state of my own wisdom teeth.
EXECUTION: 3/5 – They sure grew in. I sure took them out.
FUN FACTOR: 3/5 – I can now scare people and use my teeth as props in a movie. Or, check it out, get in a fight with someone, and secretly place one of the teeth in my mouth. When they hit me, I bite the side of my mouth to draw blood, and then spit the tooth into my hand. “You knocked out my molar!” I get out of the fight, and they get a story and an inflated ego.
OVERALL: 1/10 – I’m not making any excuses for you, wisdom teeth. You are bad.